This will be long. You have been warned.

Just writing this, I am trying to think of how I can possibly organize my thoughts. I am a wreck. I have been a wreck for the past twelve days. I have barely held it together long enough to get through work each day. Michael Jackson's death has affected me more than I ever imagined it would. In fact, I never thought about him dying, ever. I think, for some, this is why it was even harder to accept. For some reason, immortality and Michael Jackson seem to go hand in hand. How could Michael Jackson ever die? He is too special, too beloved, too important. How could he be taken, this man who has dedicated his life to making us smile, inspiring us, and helping the planet and those in need? I think a lot of people have just been taken aback, shocked, breathless. For one of the first times since this happened, I was truly angry and demanding answers from no one in particular.

To some people, it may seem confusing. I have been offended, in a sense, when people contort their face and ask me, "Why?" On the other hand, I honestly do not care who gets it and who does not. Michael would not want me to worry about what others think. I am not embarrassed to admit this has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with in my entire life. Some people do not understand why I am taking this so hard or why it matters so much to everyone else. I have never met the man, he was not part of my family bloodline, and yet his death hit me like I did know him, like he was part of my family. Unfortunately, the people who do not understand why most of the world is upset are the people who only see Michael Jackson as a mere (but spectacular) entertainer. Michael was so much more than that, but sadly, his humanitarian efforts were nowhere near as highlighted in the media as his tribulations. Of course. A lot of people do not bother to get facts straight and just believe whatever the media tells them. Michael put to rest many of the rumors surrounding him but a lot of people just did not care, and I never understood why. He was an amazing father, a loyal brother, a respectful son, and he truly cared about the state of this planet and the people in it. He looked beyond race, beyond gender, beyond class. He brought people together. Look how many people he brought together today, and he is no longer even alive. While we were taking, taking, taking from him, he was giving, giving, giving to those in need. We should be grateful that someone used their fame for such good causes. We rarely see it. He somehow managed to give us all something important to believe in and he was so dedicated to both his craft--his music, his songwriting, his dace--and his efforts to change the world. And he did change the world, in many ways.

Before the memorial even started, I took off work early and I cried on the way home. It was one of the few times in my life I have just been completely unable to control it in public. Michael has been the only artist playing on my iPod, so listening to his voice did not help matters but I listened anyway. And then "Smile" came on and the tears just started to fall. No one will ever sing that song the way Michael did. Thank you, Charlie Chaplin. I proceeded to cry for six hours straight beyond my commute. My entire face is swollen and sore. Throughout the past twelve days, one thing that has been repeated in my mind is, 'My god, this pain.' It seems to unbearable even though things could be so much worse. Right now, nothing else seems to matter.

The memorial at Staples Centre. I was terrified. I was terrified it would turn out to be a circus of celebrities and the attention would be taken away from Michael. I was afraid of the performers doing a bad job. I was afraid of the speakers not saying enough. I was afraid negative things might be highlighted, even though that is in such bad taste. I was afraid of what the thousands of fans would do. I was scared it would get out of control or that fans would run up to the casket. I was even scared a lot of it would be staged and that no one would show any emotion, including withholding any tears or crying. Well, I was blown away. I was impressed. The memorial was somber, tasteful and beautiful. Most importantly, it was respectful. It honoured Michael the way he should have been honoured. It was not over the top, it was not tacky, and I feel in my heart that Michael would have been proud. People told wonderful stories about Michael and really highlighted his achievements, something that really had not been done by the media thus far. They are mentioned only in passing, an an aside to all of the trials and tribulations that seemed to make even the supposed tribute pages or articles. This memorial said what should have been said from day one. Many people have mentioned the way it humanized Michael Jackson and turned him into a person instead of a celebrity, and I agree. It revealed him in his every day life instead of his career. The stories told shows us how much he touched others' lives and how much he has inspired so many other artists. Seeing footage from people all over the world watching the ceremony made it even more meaningful, to have that sense of collectivity no matter where you were or who you were. It was one of the most moving experiences I have ever had, watching this memorial.

I got home and immediately turned on the news, two hours before the memorial would actually start. I watched CNN's coverage because despite not being a fan of their network, I knew they would have the best and longest coverage due to the way they have been hovering over the Jackson story thus far. By the time I got to work at 7a.m., they were already at Staples Centre broadcasting live. By 11a.m., they were showing footage from the Staples Centre and also of Forest Lawn in Hollywood Hills where the private service was being held. Although it felt wrong to intrude, media were not allowed to get close so most of it was from helicopter view and I felt that was okay. I could not help it; I wanted to see. This is actually the first time in my life I have been hooked to media coverage. I feel so guilty about it, but at the same time, I did not get wrapped up in it for the wrong reasons. For example, the last thing I was interested in was new gossip that surfaced. I was simply looking for comfort and I have wanted to surround myself with all things Jackson. I just keep thinking, 'Michael, I hope you don't mind.' He hated the media, understandably, and I feel he has been disrespected and exploited even in death by the media. I have been appalled at some of the newspaper articles and documentaries, all highlighted more bad times than good and not focusing on his achievements at all but rather the media circus that followed him for forty years. So part of me feels guilty but the other part knows I am just a dedicated fan seeking closure and seeking the few moments the media is kind.

Stakes were raised after the private service was over and, out of nowhere, we saw the casket. Suddenly there it was, Michael Jackson in this $25,000 gold and royal blue casket, the top completely covered with beautiful red flowers. Even the newscasters seemed shocked. To actually see the casket just blew me away. I had no idea up until late this morning that the casket was going to the Staples Centre, which made me even more sad not to have tickets. I just thought how it would have made me feel to be in the presence of his body one more time before it was buried, as morbid as that sounds. I would have felt so privileged, and I hope every fan who was lucky enough to go treasures that fact forever. Michael's family was truly generous in allowing that casket to go to the public memorial, especially since I know they were against it up until recently. I think they knew how much it would mean to the fans, and all those watching, to actually see the casket. It just means more when the man you are paying respects to is actually there. You want to believe he was in there listening, smiling.

I enjoyed the speakers much more than the performers. I thought all of the speakers were amazing in their own way, especially Reverend Sharpton and Berry Gordy. Sharpton pointed out that Michael was a man that "taught the world how to love," and I could not agree more. So many of his songs focused on looking beyond appearances or doing the right thing. He sang about seeing beyond racial lines, caring for the environment, being against gang violence, serving children in need and having hope for the future. He spent his entire life donating to charities and visiting and spending time with those less privileged. He gave opportunities to people who normally would not have access to them. He truly did teach this world how to love, or at least taught those who were smart enough to listen while he was alive. The most important thing Sharpton pointed out was that "Michael never let the world turn him around from his dreams." No matter what happened, Michael never stopped making music. Looking back at all of the horrible things that happened to him and the media circus that followed him and tortured him for so many years, I can imagine it would have been so easy to say, 'Okay, that's enough. I'm done.' He sometimes needed to escape, but he always came back. And we could all really learn from this and keep the lesson with us to inspire us. I do not believe anyone should give up on their dream, and no matter what the media did to Michael and no matter what non-fans said or did, he never stopped being who he was or stopped making music. I feel the need to include parts of Sharpton's speech (I typed this out myself so excuse any inaccuracies):

..."He never gave up dreaming. It was that dream that changed culture all over the world. When Michael started, it was a different world. But because Michael kept going, because he didn't except limitations, because he refused to let people decide his boundaries... he opened up the whole world. In the music world, he put on one glove, pulled his pants up and broke down the colour curtain... It was Michael Jackson that brought blacks and whites and Asians and Latinos together. It was Michael Jackson that made us sing "We Are the World" and feed the hungry long before Live Aid. Because Michael Jackson kept going, he created a comfort level where people that felt that they were separate became interconnected with his music... Michael made us love each other, Michael taught us to stand with each other... Michael rose to the top. He outsang his cynics. He outdanced his doubters. He outperformed the pessimists. Every time he got knocked down, he got back up. Every time we counted him out, he came back in. Michael never stopped! Michael never stopped! Michael never stopped! ...I want his three children to know: wasn't nothin' strange about your daddy. It was strange what your daddy had to deal with. But he dealt with it. He dealt with it anyway. He dealt with it for us. ... I came to say thank you. Thank you because you never stopped. Thank you because you never gave up. Thank you 'cause you never gave out. Thank you 'cause you tore down our divisions. Thank you 'cause you eradicated barriers. Thank you 'cause you gave us hope. Thank you, Michael. Thank you, Michael. Thank you, Michael."

...And when Michael performed his songs, you could feel the happiness in his soul because that's what he loved to do... [referring to the Motown 25th Anniversary Special] And when he did his iconic moonwalk, I was shocked. It was magic... Michael Jackson accomplished everything he dreamed of. At 10 years old, he had passion. He had passion to be the greatest entertainer in the world, and he was willing to work as hard, to do whatever it took, to become what he indeed became: the undisputed King of Pop... Michael loved creating what had never been done before. He loved everything and everybody, especially his fans... In fact, the more I think and talk about Michael Jackson, I feel 'the King of Pop' is not big enough for him. I think he is simply the greatest entertainer that ever lived.

We will never, ever understand what he endured. Not being able to walk across the street without a crowd gathering around him. Being judged, ridiculed. How much pain can one take? Maybe now, Michael, they will leave you alone.

A Michael Jackson Eulogy

Few would disagree that this world has suffered a very great loss today. No one can deny the power of his music, his dancing and talent, bringing millions of people together both then and now. He possessed such a unique style that captured us and kept us on the edge, patiently awaiting his next creative outburst. He inspired new dance techniques and had some the most distinctive vocals this world has ever heard. He changed the music industry and gave us something we simply were not expecting: a legend. And even when he left the industry, we still listened and we still waited because fans grew undeniably loyal. We will miss the thrill of his music and performing. A true original, Michael's talents were coveted and we will forever long for more.

Michael Jackson and his music are timeless. There are few things that are as relevant today as the day they were made, but Jackson's music certainly lives up to this standard. His music will never stop being played on the radio, his videos on television, his achievements outlined in books or films. So many of us grew up listening to his songs, and most of us will continue listening until the day we die. His will go down as one of the greatest entertainers in history, and not just because of his sale numbers but because of the way his music brings people together. Many have been watching Michael for forty years, starting with the Jackson 5. I barely knew what music was when I bought my first Michael Jackson CD; I was instantly hooked.

Michael came across as gentle, playful, dedicated, humble, grateful, emotional, determined, patient, loving, and above all, passionate. He also had complete confidence in being different and standing apart from the crowd, no matter what reaction he got. Although Michael cared what others thought and was sometimes visably shaken by the world's cruelty, he did not let this stop him from being who he was meant to be. This is an important lesson few people ever fully learn and embrace, and for that we should thank Michael. He cherished children and had a fondness for youth and immortality, hence his Neverland Ranch. Michael seemed so purely and innocently attached to things we all hold dear from our childhoods. And yet, he somehow also remained a smart businessman, making deals and acquiring assets, and being a stellar performer, having a solid career, churning out hit after hit. He seemed to have the best of both worlds.

One of the most memorable things about Michael was that he was always kind to his fans and seemed to possess an endless amount of humanitarianism. While many icons do not give their fans the time of day, Michael always stopped to sign autographs, shake a young boy's hand or kiss a baby. During his live performances and any award acceptance speeches, Michael never failed to say "I love you" at least once to the fans cheering for him. He sometimes stopped singing or speaking abruptly just to utter "I love you too" to a an utterly determined fan trying to get his attention. This was so beautiful, that he uttered these words so often to his fans, mostly because it was just in Michael's nature to be that open about his feelings. It was always so sincere. Similarly, he frequently took off his jacket and threw it into the crowd for a lucky fan to snatch up. Although so simple, these small acts will be treasured for a lifetime by many, many fans. During his Bad World Tour, he invited underprivileged children to watch his concerts free of cost and also donated to several hospitals and orphanages. He also donated his $5 million share from the Victory Tour with The Jacksons in 1984 entirely to charity (T.J. Martell Foundation for Leukemia and Cancer Research, The United Negro College Fund, and the Ronald McDonald Camp for Good Times). In addition, all of his profits from his "Man in the Mirror" single went to charity and he also donated an additional $500,000 to the United Negro College Fund between 1985 and 1990. He was soft-spoken and sweet, never hesitating to offer a hug or a smile even when surrounded by screaming fans and snapping paparazzi. Even during his darkest hour, I think he knew his true fans were behind him, supporting him from afar. I think he took comfort in that even when stones were thrown. It seemed to help him maintain his dignity and strength because he somehow dusted himself off and got back on his feet each time. Michael may have been eccentric, but he was also kind-hearted. Michael experienced so much tragedy in his life, and yet he somehow found something powerful enough to not just help him move on but also reach the top. And he did reach the top. The very, very top.

Michael Jackson was a true humanitarian. He spent much of his career promoting world peace and both contributing to and raising awareness to global issues. He consistently supported 39 different charities, more than any other entertainer or personality in history. He both donated and raised millions of dollars for various causes. He created the Heal the World foundation in 1992 which raised millions of dollars for relief all over the world, with a special focus on underprivileged children. Michael's goal was to provide medicine and medical care for children, as well as fight world hunger, homelessness, child exploitation and abuse. The foundation instituted drug and alcohol abuse education and even airlifted 46 tons of supplies to Sarajevo. During a visit to a hospital in Budapest, Michael met a four-year-old Hungarian boy named Béla Farkas. He was informed the little boy would die without a new liver, so Michael sent his Heal the World organization all over the world until they found a liver, and Michael paid over $100,000 for the transplant. Michael Jackson has been recognized by several foundations and institutions for his humanitarian endeavors with a long line of humanitarian awards throughout his entire career: The African Ambassadors’ Spouses Association (2004), Boy Scouts of America (1990), Bollywood Awards (1999), Capitol Children Museum (1990), Celebrate the Magic Foundation (2002), Crenshaw Community Youth & Arts Foundation (1994), National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (1988), National Urban Coalition Awards (1989) and Radio Music Awards (2003). In 1984 he won the Presidential Humanitarian Award, and in 1990 he was given the Humanitarian of the Year Award by the Soul Train Awards. In 1995, he was awarded the Humanitarian Award by the Harry Chapin Memorial. He was also awarded Special Commendation for Positive Role Models in 1972 by the United States Congress.

His music and music videos are talked about in every type of educational text about music or pop culture. Wherever pop is mentioned, there is the King. There would be no way to mention historical musical achievements without seeing his name: Michael Jackson. As Reverend Al Sharpton puts it, he is "a historic figure that people will measure music and the industry by." Michael was his own revolution. His musical achievements far outweigh almost any other musician in history. The industry did not own Jackson; Jackson owned the industry.

He achieved so many firsts, spanning from racial achievements to dance moves. No one will forget his conquer of African Americans on MTV ("Billie Jean" being the first video from a black artist to air on the network), his best-selling album of all time, Thriller, his quivering vocals, his robotic hip thrusts, his single white glove, his Jheri curls, his classic "whoo!", his story-like music videos, his trademark yell during most of his songs, his tip-toe balancing, his moonwalk, his vocal "hiccups" or the groundbreaking dancing and videos. He broke the rules and he broke down barriers. And we loved it.

Michael's popularity can only be measured on a global scale. There is a reason that his music transcended generations, race, age, class and gender: his messages were universal. And he conveyed these messages in completely compelling and stand-out way, like no other artist before him and, undoubtedly, like no other artist who comes after him. His music applied to everyone, at least in some form. His music actually meant something and Michael spent a great deal of time creating lyrics that would be sung by voices all over the world. He wrote the majority of the songs he released as well as did most of the composing, producing, rhythm and vocal arrangements on them. His messages are positive, heartfelt, and--most of all--shared. His music can be fun or romantic, serious or self-reflective. You can go from a romantic ballad to a powerful protest. Disco, funk, soft rock, jazz, gospel, R&B, soul, hip hop, rap, rock, pop. He did it all. He helped reveal his messages and captivate audiences through his videos. It should be noted that most of his videos are very collective and involve many groups of people and other dancers; they were not simply a vain attempt for attention and rarely ever had a sole focus on Michael himself. There was collective dancing, marching, choirs, animals, children. Although his lyrics contained personal thoughts and beliefs, Michael Jackson seemed to want many people involved in his videos. His intent was to tell a story, with each of his songs, fiction or non-fiction. The stories told in his videos made his music that much more entertaining and meaningful, like watching a short film instead of a mere 'music video.'

He revolutionized the music video in many ways. He defined what a music video should be: a way to complement the music and tell an interesting story. Who could forget the video and various performances of "Billie Jean," which made his moonwalk and single white glove famous? And what about the influence of "Black or White"? Just the video's technical innovation was enough to capture the world, which simultaneously broadcasted for the first time in 27 countries with an estimated 500 million viewers. Or how about the collective excitement when "Thriller" starts playing? You know you have at least thought about learning the dance moves. "Heal the World" and "Will You Be There" tug at heart strings. "You Don't Care About Us" and "Earth Song" are hard to swallow but truthful and eye-opening. He protested against gang violence in "Beat It" and against world hunger, homelessness and AIDS in "Why You Wanna Trip on Me." Along with forty-five popular musicians, Michael created the charity anthem "We Are the World" to raise awareness and funds for famine relief in Africa during the 80s. He expressed deeply personal sentiments and attacks against the media and paparazzi in "Scream," "Leave Me Alone," "Tabloid Junkie" and "Privacy." "Childhood" and "Stranger in Moscow" painfully reflect Michael's personal struggles, past and present. He was a man out to capture my own heart with the quivering vocals in his rendition of "Smile" and the heartbreaking "Little Susie."

He was not simply a man with most-sold album in the history of music. He was an inspiration to his fans, but he was also an inspiration to every proceeding music artist this world has birthed. This loss will affect so many people and it will never be something we can simply 'get over.' His songs covered every emotion possible, both musically and lyrically. He twisted genres and tackled every theme. He was controversial and he took risks. He hit falsetto notes that made your eyes widen. He revealed his intense vocal range over numerous albums. He had such control over his voice even before the age of ten; critics consistently praise the voice he possessed as a young boy. His voice paved the path to the Jackson 5 fame.

The greatest thing about Michael was the emotion with which he sang. Michael is known for his high tenor voice but performed many vocal 'tricks' to convey certain emotions. His voice changed and adjusted depending on the song and theme: gritty in "Bad" and "Dangerous" while smooth in "Man in the Mirror" and "You Are Not Alone." His tone somehow encompasses sexuality in "In the Closet" and "Dirty Diana." He uses abrupt stops in his voice to create drama in songs like "Smooth Criminal" and screams of pain and passion in "Earth Song." He created rhythm with his voice instead of with an instrument, and people need to stop and think about just how incredible that is. His grunts, breaths, gasps, moans, beatboxing and falsetto notes all served a rhythmic purpose and created the foundation for both the lyrics and melodies of his songs. He was a walking vocal percussion. You could see that all of these things just came to him so naturally, so fluidly. He had such a way with his own voice, and he seemed to be able to convey every human emotion without ever being in front of you. You feel the pain in his voice. You hear it dripping with sexuality or gritting in anger. And in his softer songs, you feel kindness. This was truly his greatest achievement--the ability to move us with vocals or words alone. And when he was in front of you, his passion for music was even more apparent. He was an extremely emotional performer, using every part of his body and dramatizing with it when needed, and this was another reason he was so successful. His entire being was so dedicated to his music, and the emotion in his singing and performing is simply undeniable and unforgettable.

Performing. Michael was a pioneer. At a show, all eyes were on him. You barely noticed there were other dancers or special effects. When Michael put on a show, he put on a show. Michael would be fervent with passion and the audience would be completely mesmerized, just in awe that a man this dedicated to his craft existed. Some even fainted. No one will ever forget his legendary 1983 Motown 25 performance, wearing his glittered socks and sequined white glove, singing "Billie Jean" and making history when we first saw his moonwalk. Equally noteworthy is his 1988 (four years after taking home eight Grammy awards in one night) Grammy performance of “The Way You Make Me Feel” and "Man in the Mirror." He always wanted it to be perfect for his fans, and several people who worked on the shows with him over the years emphasize how much Michael wanted to please his fans with his performances. When Michael took the stage, something happened to him. The shy and soft-spoken man we saw in interviews melted away and out came a confident, sexy, brilliant performer just bursting with energy and innovation. He pelted out every song with those fiery pipes and pulled you into an entirely new world. When Michael was on stage, you could tell he was doing what he loved most in the world because his entire being lit up and was always smiling. You just knew he was born to perform, and it made you happy to see someone fulfilling what they had set out to do in life. He moved with such grace and agility, to the point where you could call it perfection. He danced like dancing was the easiest thing to do. He ran, bounced, skipped and jumped around the stage. Whether he was moonwalking, twirling, popping or locking, it was always flawless. If he tumbled during a "Smooth Criminal" anti-gravity lean, you barely noticed because he picked himself up quickly and smoothly slid into the rest of the routine. And when he stepped on to one of those air vents and his open dress shirt started blowing and his voice was suddenly stronger, you beamed with excitement. He never seemed to lose energy; from start to finish, he gave performances his all. Michael always felt, physically and emotionally, the music he was singing; his facial expressions on stage were evident and changed to suit each note he sang. You could tell he practiced, being the perfectionist he was, but so much also simply came naturally to him on stage. His body language was sharp and quick: throwing up his hands, quickly darting his head, thrusting his hips, getting down on his knees, suddenly ripping his shirt, singing through gritted teeth and the trademark yells. He was sweet. He was bad. He was everything in between. There was never one part of his body that went unused during a performance. How he managed to concentrate so intensely with screaming fans and girls passing out, and in front of millions at that, we will never know. Michael captured every audience during every performance he did while on this earth.

In addition to his dancing and singing, his sense of style both on and off stage set him apart and in a very good way. He was a true fashion icon. Michael was not fazed by popular trends or passing fads. His style was undeniably original and eye-catching. His costumes on stage were over the top and spectacular. He made even the simplest ensembles cool and hip with his own personal touches. The outrageous ones just suited him because he was, after all, Michael Jackson. He pushed the envelope with his daring style and he was always himself, even during his trip to the White House where he sported a glittered, golden-sashed, royal blue military-style jacket, aviator sunglasses and single sequined glove. When asked why he always wore one glove instead of two, it is said that Michael simply replied that one was more interesting than two. Everything he wore was interesting and had its own flare of Michael-style: zippered jackets, tailored suits, coloured vests, accessorized belts and oversized buckles, long arm gloves, thin white t-shirts, black suit jackets, white dress shirts, buckled and studded pants, embroidered and button embellishments, glitzy military-style jackets, military-inspired armbands or sashes, leather jackets, black loafers, white socks, white taped fingertips, flashy or spiked knee pads, aviator sunglasses, ties, black fedoras, glittered gloves, tight gold pants, and, of course, the infamous gold Dangerous tour one-piece. No one did fashion better than Michael. He could make anything work.

Michael, you will be deeply missed. You were undoubtedly the largest pop icon this world has ever seen. You have left behind a brilliant musical legacy, leaving a firm imprint on popular culture and the music industry. Not only were you a breathtaking singer, songwriter and performer, you also contributed a great deal to this planet in terms of your humanitarianism: your charity donations, your concern for the environment, your longing for equality and justice, your belief in a prejudice-free world, your endless efforts to solve some of the world's largest problems, your dedication to children, especially the underprivileged or sick, and the dedication to your own children and family. You spent so much of your life being selfless. There is no doubt in my heart that you possessed a truly kind soul. To think about how much you sacrificed for your fans--your time, your privacy and sometimes even your health--makes me feel both sad but also grateful. Your personal sacrifices have not gone unnoticed, I promise you that. Your gift was actually ours, and we owe you so much for sharing it with us. I will always remember you as the original King of Pop. Part of me is aching, but the other part is comforted because you will no doubt live on in your timeless music. You had the ultimate rhythm, style and voice. Thank you for giving us all that you did. You have entertained us, you have inspired us, and you have joined us together, internationally, in something we will cherish always. We will carry your messages of peace, love and a better planet with us forever. Your family and friends will be in my thoughts. May you rest in peace like you so much deserve.

"Music has been my outlet, my gift to all of the lovers in this world. Through it, my music, I know I will live forever." -Michael Jackson

He is more than an icon; he is a legacy. His act cannot be followed or replicated, only admired.

No matter what he is remembered for, no one will ever forget him. Michael Jackson wanted to change the world, and he did. We should live by his example of embracing peace and love, working toward bettering this planet by nourishing its people and wildlife.

R.I.P. Michael Jackson, King of Pop

Alicia Silverstone might be hitting the big screen again in the role that made her famou!

Silverstone and Amy Heckerling, the director and writer of Clueless, were recently spotted shopping together in Tarzana, California.

And according to reports, the two were chatting about a Clueless sequel!

Seriously? Almost 15 years later???

A source adds, “They were talking about the script they’re working on and how exciting this is for them. It’s been a dream of Alicia’s to bring Cher back to the big screen. Amy is writing it, but Alicia is giving her tons of ideas.”

What, is Cher Horowitz going to come back as ditzy rich mom this time?

Source: perezhilton.com

My father just told me that I make it really hard to love me and care about me.

How nice.

After twenty-five years, he still knows exactly what to say to shatter me and my self-esteem. How? How can I not just sweep a comment like that under the rug and write him off as a total asshole (which he obviously is)? Well, not only is he my father but he is also the only parent I have left. I am guessing that has something to do with it. I just cannot believe he can say something like that straight-faced and not care how much it could hurt me. A lot of people would say, aside from perhaps not helping out enough around the house growing up, that I was a model child. I was a straight-A student, I never got into trouble, I stayed away from drugs and alcohol, I never had a pregnancy scare because I was always so careful, and all I have done my entire life is help others and fight for causes I believe in. I am not a completely selfless person but I am a very generous, caring, and kind-hearted person. I am open-minded and accepting of practically every type of person on this planet. I cared endlessly about my academics and doing well in school so I could get somewhere in life. No one ever had to tell me to do my homework or that work comes before play. I was studious, focused, and hard-working growing up, just as I am now. I have no idea what I did so wrong, to cause so much hatred. I have no idea what I did so wrong to make him so unimpressed and disgusted with me. Ashamed. That is the word. That is how it seems he feels, ashamed of me. And I have no idea why. I wonder every day what is so awful about myself, and I am so sick of sitting there wondering that because it is probably all him and his own messed up personality. But there is no stopping it. It hurts me no matter what I do and no matter how much I tell myself he is the problem.

I have never been a parent, but how do you loathe your own flesh and blood this much? I thought it was impossible to hate your own child. I guess if they are conniving, rude, and deliberately try to hurt you and ruin your life... then maybe I could see hating your own offspring. But even then, from what I have seen and experienced second-hand in life, most parents still love their child. No matter what. Parental love is supposed to be unconditional love, at least from what I have gathered in my years. It seems only natural that it be unconditional; you created another life and you are supposed to love and support it, and do everything you can possibly do to steer it in the right direction. I did none of these things. I have never set out to hurt him in any way and all I have done is try my best in life.

Instead of getting unconditional love, I get nothing but conditional love. And unfortunately, I do not meet any of his deranged conditions. I got someone who has done nothing but criticize me even when I try my best. I got someone who does not appreciate me in any way. I got someone who would not even give me two dollars unless I "earned" it; I was always the furthest thing from spoiled and I never received gifts or thanks 'just because.' I got someone who could not think of anything about me to brag to his friends about. I got someone who has physically assaulted me and does not feel a damn ounce of regret about it because I "deserved it." I got someone who says I have an awful personality and that he cannot believe someone would love me, date me or "put up" with me. I got someone who does not ask how my day was, someone who does not care to learn anything about my life and who I am, someone who would rather make the assumption that I am a moron rather than believe I could make a simple mistake. I got someone who has been absolutely no substitute for a dead mother. I got the complete opposite of what a girl needs when her mother dies. I got a life of abuse, questioning my self-worth and what I could have done to make him hate me.

There is no fixing this. I am so sure of this now, more than ever. There is absolutely nothing that could heal any of us, not even death. I would not breathe a word of regret or offer an apology because I have done everything I can to make things right. I have tried to make him see the error in his way: the way he talks to me, the way he treats me, and the way he makes me feel about myself and our relationship. I dragged him to counseling where he proceeded to lie and place blame on only me. I have done everything to save the relationship. It is so far gone now. And as much as I am sure that it will never be mended, it is still hard to admit because it is heartbreaking. It is heartbreaking that the only parent I have left refuses to see me as a decent human being. And no more will I accept that he cannot "express himself properly" or any of that nonsense my family tries to feed me. You do not tell your own flesh and blood that they make it hard to love them. That is a fucking awful thing to say, even to a stranger.

After all the abuse I have endured, you would think it would be easy to walk away. But it really is not and I would never admit this to him because he would just laugh and call me dramatic. I would be lying if I said this did not affect me in other ways. In all honesty, I am absolutely terrified to end up with someone like my father. I have promised myself that if I move in with someone and start experiencing what I have experienced living at home--the constant criticism, the constant nagging, the constant hurtful comments and lack of appreciation--I will get the hell out. I have seen parts of my father in every man I have ever dated, give or take one or two. That scares me. I can promise anyone I am with that I will not ever stay if I start seeing too much of my father in them. I cannot possibly do this to myself for another thirty, forty, fifty years. But he has ruined a lot for me, and he has made it next to impossible to trust any man. I hate him for that. And I hate him for taking away what was supposed to be a decent childhood after losing a parent. Even if I did not lose a parent, it still would have been just as horrible because I lost him. He just was not there. It is like I never had a real parent, a real family.

Even a few years ago, I never would have screamed "I fucking hate you" to him. But it is so easy now and I would not think twice about having regrets for saying it. And in fact, I wish I could waltz up to him and say, 'Just so you know, I meant every word. I really do hate you.' What makes it all worse is that he is Jekyll and Hyde. He is such a phony and he pretends, with everyone else, this side to him does not exist. So no one believes me. My entire family has never, ever been on my side about anything. Even my grandmother said I might be overexaggerating when he assaulted me and that I might not be remembering things correctly. It is kind of hard to "forget" someone chasing you around the house, hitting you and choking you. And of course, he lied to absolutely everyone and said I hit him first; I never laid a goddamn hand on him. I have never laid a goddamn hand on anyone and surely I am not stupid enough to hit him because I know damn well he is not afraid to hit me back and then some. He was eager to hit me and just looking for an excuse. Since he could not fine one, he made one up and flat out lied about me hitting him first. Even if I did, that is still no excuse for what he did anyway so I do not know why he even bothered to make that up.

When we are finally apart, I wonder if he will regret any of this when I never speak to him again or bother to invite him over. For now, I am putting on a face and pretending--when we are not arguing--that I am fine with him. But really, I am not and I never will be again. And I will never, ever forgive him to the pain he has caused and the self-hate he helped create. I will never forgive him for not being the father I needed even though I tried to be the daughter he wanted.

Despite my severe lack of direction right now, or rather a lack of being able to get anywhere I do want to go right now, I have come to a few major life decisions.

Number One.

I want to write. Okay, this is nothing new. But it is new that I know I want to write books. I always nonchalantly stated that I want to release a book someday. Earlier, when I was actually able to get poems on to paper, I toyed with the idea of releasing a poetry book. Well, that was a bit of a pipe dream and although I still like the idea of releasing a poetry book, I cannot write poetry anymore. I may as well face the facts. I cannot go on with my life without saying I hope one day my poetic tongue returns to me, otherwise I would feel horrible. I want to write poetry again. But for now, let's just say I am not going to release a book of poetry. So what do I want to release in terms of books? Four solid ideas.

1. A baking book.
2. A book on motherless daughters (this was always a plan).
3. A children's book on dealing with death.
4. A book on make-up artistry.

These are still in their beginning states, of course. But I am positive I want to release these four books some day. Publishing is in my future. I know this much is true. I have never really committed to releasing any type of book, so this is a big step for me even if it does not seem that way to anyone except me. I have no idea how I am going to keep a career and release all of these books, but I want to do it and I plan to do it.

The baking and make-up artistry books will come later than the others because I am still perfecting my craft; I am not at the stage where I have enough knowledge or talent to release books on the subjects. I accept this and know it will be a long time. But that is okay. This is not an overnight realization or goal. I also need to purchase this book.

Number Two.

I want to be a freelance make-up artist and get my certification. This would only be a side career and I would not be dependent on it for income. Like web design, this is something I dabble in but I really want it to be a part of my future. I even have a certificate program picked out for when I am able, financially. I have grown to love the world of make-up and cosmetics so much that it has become a huge part of who I am and what makes me happy. I had no idea, when I was younger, I would become this involved in the world of make-up artistry. I have always loved make-up and have been told my mother did too, when she was alive. This makes me happy, that we share this passion. But I had no idea the passion I had with it when I was a young girl would turn into a desire to make a career out of out it.

The reason I know this is not just a passing passion is because I actually really, truly care about getting better and perfecting my skills. I watch hundreds of make-up tutorials every month. Hundreds. I have tried to recreate hundreds of different looks I have seen and liked, experimenting with techniques I feel the original creator may have used. I have picked up tons of tips and tricks the average woman would not think twice about. I subscribe to Make-Up Artist magazine. I care about the industry and breaking into it. I care what other make-up artists are doing out there and how they got where they are today. I care about make-up quality and I am willing to spend more money to get it (believe me, everyone can vouch for this). And now I have taken an interest in wanting to do other people's make-up and have had several people request I do it for them sometime. I love the idea of using my skills on others.

Part of the fuel is the amount of compliments I get. I have strangers telling me how "well-applied" my make-up, how much they like my lip combinations or the eye shadow colours I have chosen to put together. I usually only got compliments once in a blue moon but now it is multiple times a week, and not just from people I know which it usually was before. It makes me feel good, and I do not feel that way very often. It makes me feel like I have half a chance. Most times, I take a severe interest in something but I am always horrible at it. Here, I might actually have a chance. The funny thing is, at work, a lot of the compliments come from senior patients. I figure if I can impress them... if I do not look like a clown and if my make-up looks worthy enough of a compliment from someone three times my age... that can only be good.

I love both extremes: bridal make-up to stage make-up. (This is so lame but I honestly drool over thinking of doing make-up for Cirque du Soleil some day. I figure this is also a pipe dream but wow, this would be my ultimate goal.) The difference with this goal/dream is, I have no idea if I will ever get there. With writing, it is different. I have been writing my entire life and feel I can release a book some day. With make-up, this is a new development in the past five or six years and I am nowhere near "pro." But I have this dream and I want to acknowledge it out loud.

Number Three.

Animal photography. Even I feel like this has come out of nowhere but I feel like I could really develop a passion for this, once I develop as a photographer. Right now, I am a horrible photographer but I have someone weird to thank for getting me interested: my father. This is probably the only thing he has inspired me with throughout my life, but I will give him credit where it is due. His went to school for photography but never really pursued it as a career, even though I could see him making a lot of money. Even more, his pictures of animals are stunning. I know I have expressed jealousy before over the fact that animals love him. Even though I love animals more than almost anyone I know, they are still drawn to him far more than they are to me. I have no idea what it is about him. So that combined with his amazing skills as a photographer have created some completely breath-taking photos of animals. I will post some here sometime soon. He has hundreds that are worthy of animal calendars. I keep telling him to submit some, even to small companies like Page-A-Day Calendars. They have several animal calendars.

I want animals to be part of my future no matter what--that will NEVER, ever change. But why not combine two passions? Animals and art. There is not a lot of money in animal photography (or is there?) but it is still something I would love to do. This is not a career aspiration but just a general one, a hobby I want to start up. I still consider that a "major life decision." I will be doing a birthday post in two weeks but I will say this now: I have acquired a new camera. Is it not an SLR but it is the next best thing. I am hoping I will learn how to use this and get some practice with my cats.

This is something I really want to do. If you had any idea how many hours I spent online looking at animal photography, you would see why this is so logical for me. I spend hours every week on Flickr too, just looking at these amazing photographers who have breath-taking pictures of every subjects imaginable. Thank you, Daniel, for introducing me to this amazing teenage photographer. (Did I mention another aspiration is to acquire two rats?) I want to create images that I can submit to CuteOverload.

I feel stupid even listing this because I know virtually nothing about photography, despite being around a photographer all my life (I should take advantage while I am still living here). But I plan to learn how to take an amazing picture. And then I want to take amazing animal pictures. All types of animals, not just cats.

Number Four.

And this is the nearest in my future. I think I have decided to get my Technical Writing certification. I figure Technical Writing and Editing are similar enough to warrant me being qualified in both if I get this. Technical Writing is not editing but there is so much editing involved in it because you are taking a piece of writing that is generic and making it presentable to a specific audience. That is what editing is all about: making writing clear, concise, fluid, understandable for everyone. I cannot seem to find and Editing certificate from any major schools in Toronto, and certainly not online/distance like I need. I think this is the right thing to do, and it is certainly what I have been told to do by many people in the writing industry. I do not know if technical writing is my true calling, but I know I love it enough to at least get a job in the field and test the waters.

I have a feeling I will never fully leave school behind. I am the type of person who always wants to keep learning. I may or may not go back to school for my Masters, but if I do not, I will certainly be doing more certificate programs. I have the one for make-up artistry I want to do, I have this one for Tech Writing, and I also want to do one for web design because that is also something I plan to do on the side throughout my life.

The problem with me, as you can see, is that I have too many interests. Though, it is not "too many." That is just who I am. I do not think you can have "too many" interests. The problem for me will be trying to fulfill all of these interests and give them all enough time and effort before I die. I want to do everything. This has made job hunting really hard. People keep telling me to focus and only apply for one thing, but if I do not know exactly what I want, why don't I just apply for what I feel I am interested in and what I can do? I am really sick of people telling me I need to chose one thing and one thing only. That is not how I am going to live my life. And if some snotty employer wants to fault me for that, go ahead. I do not want to take a job from someone who thinks singular vision is great. I feel it only makes me stronger as a person, not being totally focused on one thing. I feel it will lead to me being well-rounded and cultured instead of stuck in some mundane job doing the same thing over and over until I die. I will switch careers. I know I will. I will not do the same thing forever. I have too many passions to do that.

So this goes out to both everyone and someone specific (and you know who you are)...

Accept this about me. Accept that I will not apply for only one type of job or have a singular focus. That is not who I am and you have to accept that part of me because that is all of me. I am a walking, talking contradiction. I am technical but creative. I code sites but I love Martha Stewart. I bake pies and I want to edit manuals. I want to write textbooks and I want to do wedding make-up. That is just who I am. Please, deal with it. Do not torture me about it. Do not tell me to be single-minded and do one thing with my life. And in the job hunting process, do not expect me to only apply in one industry because I want to break into several industries. I went to school for English and Communications. That leaves me with a well-rounded experience in many industries and leaves me with a lot of choices. I did it for a reason. I did it so I would have choices. If this hurts me in the end, that will be my problem, not yours. So let me live my life the way I want to live it. Let me live it in chaos, if that is how you see it. I will end up in more than one industry, so let me just apply as I see fit.